mason

Mason is our forever baby.  We found out we were expecting in April 2010.  It was the most exciting and terrifying time of our lives.  We were very nervous to be bringing up a baby so far away from our loved ones and what we consider to be our home, but Jonathan and I were so delighted at the prospect of being parents.

I was not terribly sick from the beginning, but felt pretty sucky early on.  I remember being so tired and hardly ever staying awake for dinner.  I took naps on my lunch break at school.

I felt Mason for the first time when Jonathan's father, Robin, was visiting us for father's day.  I was only 14 weeks.  I remember I was sick in bed with a headache and backache.  Jonathan and his dad went to Starbucks to get some afternoon treats.  They brought me back a green tea lemonade.  After having one long sip, I felt mason crawl from one side of my belly to the other.  I remember squealing with excitement and amazement, causing Jonathan to jump and run in the room.  I was so so excited to finally feel our baby's movements.  After that I felt his little movements more often and eventually by 16 weeks he was my little fire baby!  He kept me awake every night from 2-4am.  He was already an all night owl, definitely already taking after his father.  

When I was in my 18th week of pregnancy, we found out we were for sure having a boy.  I had thought all along we were having a boy, but our 3d ultrasound confirmed my suspicions.

By the time I was 20 weeks pregnant, I was finally starting to show a nice little bump.  I was also starting to feel nice hard kicks.

In my 24th week, I started getting a crazy rash all over my body.  It was incredibly itchy on my belly and legs.  I would walk around with ice packs attached to me and take several showers a day to try and sooth some of the irritated skin.  Around this time I was diagnosed with PUPPPS which is an unbearable rash that sometimes occurs in pregnancy, but disappears usually right after the baby is born.

In my 26th week my doctor discovered that my blood pressure was starting to increase.  It wasn't high all the time, but it was still rather alarming and I was also starting to retain fluid and gain more weight.

I visited Texas in the end of September to attend a family baby shower that was thrown for me and Jonathan.  I was having more high blood pressure readings, and I was starting to look more visibly swollen in my face.  Mason was still very active and seemed to be very healthy for a precious 28 weeker.

When I returned to Los Angeles for my 29 week checkup, my blood pressure was very high for a pregnant woman and my doctors were very concerned.  Also, Mason was measuring a few weeks behind.  The doctors admitted me into the hospital for monitoring.  Once they saw how lively Mason was doing and that my blood pressure decreased with rest, the doctors released me to go home for bed rest.  I returned to the doctors 2 days later only for my blood pressure to be consistently high and for them to admit me for hospital bed rest.

While my blood pressures remained stable on bed rest, Mason's growth only seemed to worsen.  After 7 days in the hospital, the doctors decided that he would have a much easier time growing outside of such a hostile womb.  So at 30 weeks and 3 days, I was prepped for an emergency c-section.  All was well until my blood pressures spiked to 180/125.  The doctors were very concerned that I might have a stroke or seizure on the operating table, so they administered magnesium sulfate to lower my blood pressure.  Mason was born at 12:31pm.  He let out a small little cry.  He breathed on his own.  He was small at 2 pounds 8 ounces and 15 1/2 inches.  10 fingers, 10 toes and perfect!

Jonathan was able to be with us in the operating room.  He was able to cut Mason's umbilical cord.  There were pictures and smiles and tears.  The NICU team let me briefly meet my son before whisking him off for breathing treatments.  He was so small and beautiful.  I was deliriously happy and scared.  Jonathan stayed with me until they finished closing me up.  He went off to be with Mason while my mom, Dominique, sat with me in recovery.  I don't remember much.

Jonathan took wonderful pictures of Mason.  My mother was able to go see him.  I had to stay hooked up to the magnesium sulfate for 24 hours and could not leave my hospital bed or room.  I remember begging to see Mason, but I had to wait until I had finished my magnesium sulfate drip and was out of the ICU.  Finally, Tuesday morning I was allowed to go see our baby.  I was so excited.  I couldn't believe how beautiful and tiny he was.  He was hooked up to a ventilator.  There were tubes and wires everywhere.  The nurses said he was stable and that they would be switching him to a nasal cannula within the next day or so.  He would cry but no sound would come out because of the tubes in his throat.  My arms ached to hold him, but only my fingers could reach through the glass and touch him. If all went well, they would let me hold him on Wednesday.  I went back to my room and passed out until my nurse forced me to walk.  It was extremely painful, but I needed to do it.  I wanted to be able to walk to see our baby the next morning.

The next morning when I got to the NICU and Mason was off vent and on his nasal cannula.  He looked much happier and more free.  His little eyes were open and he was scanning the room.  I sat in a rocker near his isolette.  The nurse helped me open my hospital gown so I could place Mason on my bare chest.  His little warm body felt so good against my skin.  He had little golden hairs all over his body. He knew me instantly.  It was precious and I could not imagine a better thing on earth than having your newborn baby laying on you.  I got to have him in my arms for a good half hour before the nurse said he needed to go back in his isolette to better regulate his body temperature.  I sat and watched him for a long time before returning to my room for blood draw and blood pressure checks.

I continued to visit him throughout the day and in between visits I would pump breast milk.  Around 9 o'clock, I decided to to bring the NICU my latest pumping.  As I arrived at the nurses' station, I was stopped by the head nurse.  She told me that something was going on with Mason in the NICU and that I needed to get their quick.  I calmly walked back to the NICU and they had me sit behind a curtain and wait for the doctor.  They asked me to call Jonathan and tell him to get there quick.  It seemed like forever.  The doctor told me that Mason had suddenly stopped breathing, but that they were trying to get him to start breathing again.  I had heard that this was common with preemies and tried to not get too worried.  I saw several doctors swarm to the back of the NICU where he was located.  They kept checking xrays and ultrasounds and charts.  I started to panic.  Finally Jonathan and his parents arrived and the doctors told him what they had already told me.  They had me go into a different room because by this point I was hysterical.  I waited in the arms of Jonathan's mother, Janet, while the doctors continued to work on Mason.  Jonathan and his dad stayed nearby and communicated with the doctors.  They did everything they could.  They worked a long and agonizing hour and a half, but nothing could be done.  Our little boy was already in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father.

It was unbearable.  I was screaming and pleading with God, but it didn't change anything.  We went back into the NICU to see and hold our son one last time.  We prayed over his little body and said our goodbyes.

The doctors had absolutely no clue as to why Mason's heart stopped.  He had been doing so very well from the very beginning.  My heart breaks daily at knowing that he left us and we still have no idea why.  My arms still ache for him and I will be so happy when I finally see him again in heaven.  My precious forever baby.

these photos were taken by various relatives, but they were edited by my sweet, close friend Chelsea McCown.